What is crazier then a fish in a pot? Midgets in red jumpsuits with blue cotton candy for hair. How do you do? Would you like to shake hands with Thing One and Thing Two? No fucking thank you. Stop flying your kites, get back in your box, and get the fuck out of my house.
I'm not sure how this came about, but my dog ended up having a "Thing Two" toy. It smells like butt, and is freakier then hell. By now it has a blue buzz cut, and is missing an arm. Nonetheless, still creepy. As he was nothing less then short of decapitating this thing, it dawned on me. Don't kids love these characters? I mean, freaky as it is, its still a children's book character. Why do they make dog toys of them? Don't people *know* they are going to be mauled? Make dog toys of like... George Bush and Wayne Pacelle. Aren't these the people you want to see get their leg ripped off by your dog? Not a damn Dr. Seuss character. The world is really fucked up when you get pleasure out of seeing your dog assasinate creatures like Winnie the Pooh.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Monday, February 8, 2010
Here's An Early Christmas Present...
PETA..a punch to your face!
Bitches At The DMV..a punch to your face!
George W..a punch to your face!
Wayne Pacelle.. a punch to your face!
Black Dude Who Lives Above me... a punch to your face!
Mathematics..a punch to your face!
Republicans...a punch to your face!
School... a punch to your face!
Whores..a punch to your face!
Asshole Bosses...a punch to your face! Fuck that, make it two!
My Birth Mom Who Forgets I Exist....a punch to your face!
Sytrofoam Cup Lovers...a punch to your face!
Skinny Bitches Who Say Their Fat...a punch to your face!
Princesses...a punch to your face!
Bitches At The DMV..a punch to your face!
George W..a punch to your face!
Wayne Pacelle.. a punch to your face!
Black Dude Who Lives Above me... a punch to your face!
Mathematics..a punch to your face!
Republicans...a punch to your face!
School... a punch to your face!
Whores..a punch to your face!
Asshole Bosses...a punch to your face! Fuck that, make it two!
My Birth Mom Who Forgets I Exist....a punch to your face!
Sytrofoam Cup Lovers...a punch to your face!
Skinny Bitches Who Say Their Fat...a punch to your face!
Princesses...a punch to your face!
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Would You Like BULLSHIT With That?
99 Billion Idiots Served... ahhhh the life of a Mcdonalds employee
I am in college. I am going to become a veterinarian. I'm positively sure my IQ and GPA is higher then yours ever has been or ever will be. Don't talk to me like I am an idiot. Just because I work at Mcdonalds, doesn't mean I'm stupid.
Ask for your damn barbeque sauce when you order.
NO, you may NOT get the your damn drink in a styrofoam cup. Do you know how much of a pain in the ass it is to take your damn cup and dump it into a styrofoam cup? Drink your goddamn pop in whatever stupid ass container it comes in, you greedy bastards.
People think we are trying to cheat them out of their hard earned money. "Off the dollar menu-I'd like a McChicken, and also off the dollar menu, I'd like a small fry." I work at McDonalds. I KNOW what is on the dollar menu. It's not like we freaking have a McChicken for one dollar, and then another Mcchicken thats 30 cents more.
Yes, people. Our drinks are still one flippin dollar.
We stop serving breakfast at 10:30. If its 2:30 in the afternoon, don't ask if we are serving breakfast. Just wait til tomorrow to get your stupid Sausage Burrito.
"Uh...how much is an Egg McMuffin?" READ THE FREAKING MENU. Thats why we HAVE one.
"Is this DIET?" No idiot, you just ordered Diet and we decided to give you the sugared variety. If the stupid button on the top of the drink is pushed to "diet" it *probably* means its freaking diet.
"What is a Sausage Biscuit?" A biscuit...with a freaking piece of sausage. Rocket science, right there.
We have never had, nor will we ever, have a "McDooble."
"Does the Hot Chocolate with nonfat milk come in diet?" Please tell me when chocolate has a "diet" form. I will eat that shit up.
If you are going through the drivethrough, have your money ready when you pull up to the first window. I don't have all day to stand there and wait for you to get out your 49 cents in pennies for your Senior Coffee. Actually, I do. But it would be so much less stressful if you were mildly quick about it.
I am in college. I am going to become a veterinarian. I'm positively sure my IQ and GPA is higher then yours ever has been or ever will be. Don't talk to me like I am an idiot. Just because I work at Mcdonalds, doesn't mean I'm stupid.
Ask for your damn barbeque sauce when you order.
NO, you may NOT get the your damn drink in a styrofoam cup. Do you know how much of a pain in the ass it is to take your damn cup and dump it into a styrofoam cup? Drink your goddamn pop in whatever stupid ass container it comes in, you greedy bastards.
People think we are trying to cheat them out of their hard earned money. "Off the dollar menu-I'd like a McChicken, and also off the dollar menu, I'd like a small fry." I work at McDonalds. I KNOW what is on the dollar menu. It's not like we freaking have a McChicken for one dollar, and then another Mcchicken thats 30 cents more.
Yes, people. Our drinks are still one flippin dollar.
We stop serving breakfast at 10:30. If its 2:30 in the afternoon, don't ask if we are serving breakfast. Just wait til tomorrow to get your stupid Sausage Burrito.
"Uh...how much is an Egg McMuffin?" READ THE FREAKING MENU. Thats why we HAVE one.
"Is this DIET?" No idiot, you just ordered Diet and we decided to give you the sugared variety. If the stupid button on the top of the drink is pushed to "diet" it *probably* means its freaking diet.
"What is a Sausage Biscuit?" A biscuit...with a freaking piece of sausage. Rocket science, right there.
We have never had, nor will we ever, have a "McDooble."
"Does the Hot Chocolate with nonfat milk come in diet?" Please tell me when chocolate has a "diet" form. I will eat that shit up.
If you are going through the drivethrough, have your money ready when you pull up to the first window. I don't have all day to stand there and wait for you to get out your 49 cents in pennies for your Senior Coffee. Actually, I do. But it would be so much less stressful if you were mildly quick about it.
Monday, January 18, 2010
The Pug's Popularity
Why are Pugs so popular? They are one of the AKC's most popular breeds. You can buy thousands of different Pug t-shirts, Pug backpacks, even Pug salt and pepper shakers (I happen to own a set). After owning a Pug, I have concluded that their incredible cuteness and adorable nature are not the only reasons they are so popular:
You can never blame them for anything. Firstly, because they will never admit to anything. Second, because you can't really have proof that they meant to do what they did. Their eyes look in two different directions-who knows, they may have *meant* to grab a toy, but because they are googly eyed, they may have grabbed your sock by mistake.
You will always have someone to blame your farts on. Pugs are gassy by nature. No one will deny it-if someone has let one rip, and there is a Pug anywhere in the vicinty, it will no doubt, be him.
No matter how loud you snore, your Pug will always outsnore you. Which, obviously, makes your snoring seem not as bad. Your significant other will never complain about YOU snoring, it will ALWAYS be your Pug.
It is incredibly easy to lose weight when you are the owner of the Pug. Pugs will eat you right out of house and home. Thank god they don't have thumbs-my fridge would be empty right now.
If you have a Pug, you will never have a need for a vaccuum cleaner. Why, you ask? Pugs will eat, or attempt to eat, anything that they can fit into their mouths. Includes, but is not limited to: socks, rocks, straws, ketchup packets, lint, aquarium gravel, leaves, staples, rubber bands, etc.
The Pug's distinct nose wrinkle makes a wonderful hiding place. Having dinner and you need a spot for your gum until you are finished? Stick it in the wrinkle! Need a place to hide your drugs? Stick them in the wrinkle! The cops will never check!
Lastly, Pugs make excellent portable face washers. And no, I don't mean by licking (they WILL do that as well). Hold a Pug up to your face and he will, without a doubt, being showering you in snot from all of his snorts.
You can never blame them for anything. Firstly, because they will never admit to anything. Second, because you can't really have proof that they meant to do what they did. Their eyes look in two different directions-who knows, they may have *meant* to grab a toy, but because they are googly eyed, they may have grabbed your sock by mistake.
You will always have someone to blame your farts on. Pugs are gassy by nature. No one will deny it-if someone has let one rip, and there is a Pug anywhere in the vicinty, it will no doubt, be him.
No matter how loud you snore, your Pug will always outsnore you. Which, obviously, makes your snoring seem not as bad. Your significant other will never complain about YOU snoring, it will ALWAYS be your Pug.
It is incredibly easy to lose weight when you are the owner of the Pug. Pugs will eat you right out of house and home. Thank god they don't have thumbs-my fridge would be empty right now.
If you have a Pug, you will never have a need for a vaccuum cleaner. Why, you ask? Pugs will eat, or attempt to eat, anything that they can fit into their mouths. Includes, but is not limited to: socks, rocks, straws, ketchup packets, lint, aquarium gravel, leaves, staples, rubber bands, etc.
The Pug's distinct nose wrinkle makes a wonderful hiding place. Having dinner and you need a spot for your gum until you are finished? Stick it in the wrinkle! Need a place to hide your drugs? Stick them in the wrinkle! The cops will never check!
Lastly, Pugs make excellent portable face washers. And no, I don't mean by licking (they WILL do that as well). Hold a Pug up to your face and he will, without a doubt, being showering you in snot from all of his snorts.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Welcoming Myself
Can't believe I decided to start yet another addictive internet sensation. Actually, I have been blogging for years-on Myspace. I was looking today at random old blogs I wrote. Slightly more then interesting. I figure I will just create an actual blog blog to keep track of my life. And, you know.. because writing is apparently good for your brain.
Hmm.. I hate writing on the spot.
What can I say about myself?
1. I'm one of those crazy/freaky/weird people that love their dogs more then most people they know
2. I also enjoy fish-not for food. I personally like the pet variety, rather then the ones that are made into mickey dee's filet of fish. Actually.. I doubt that is even fish. So, I guess those are ok.
3. I really hate listing things numerically
Nudity is sooo overrated. So are fucking pistachios. I could go for some pistachios right now.
I think glasses on men=sexy as hell. My man is quite the beast, but when he puts on those damn glasses-I could scream.
Liberal all the way. Just can't see eye to an eye with a Commander of Chieft that is almost annihilated by a pretzel.
Hmm.. I hate writing on the spot.
What can I say about myself?
1. I'm one of those crazy/freaky/weird people that love their dogs more then most people they know
2. I also enjoy fish-not for food. I personally like the pet variety, rather then the ones that are made into mickey dee's filet of fish. Actually.. I doubt that is even fish. So, I guess those are ok.
3. I really hate listing things numerically
Nudity is sooo overrated. So are fucking pistachios. I could go for some pistachios right now.
I think glasses on men=sexy as hell. My man is quite the beast, but when he puts on those damn glasses-I could scream.
Liberal all the way. Just can't see eye to an eye with a Commander of Chieft that is almost annihilated by a pretzel.
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